I am having a major panic attack. Not sure how I am goin to handle it so i am going to type here and see if it makes me any more secure. Jesse is spending the next couple nights up at Kris and Ricks so i am on my own, which I kind of need, but yetam not sure how to handle it.
I was having breathing problems on the way home. I am so in need of being held by someone. touch and security by another to let me hide if even for just a short time. but tthere is noone to whom i can go to and get this. i have relied on eroc so much for spport lately and complaining to him that he doesnt need to hear it yet again but yet i am dying inside.
brian and i don't talk enough to keep me calm. i just feel like i am such a burden to everyone and that no one understands how i feel my stomach is in knots. i want to puke and yet i want to run as far away as possible buut have no money or vehicle to do any of this
the chrysler is overheating for some unknown reason and the buick is a piece of shit so i am totally screwed. can't go to dad and ask for any help with my bills as i do not want to hear how i fucked up and dug this hole for myself so now i am really freaking out as to what in the workd do i to to make ends meet
jesse even said i need a job. great my son knows his mom is a freak and sad sack. maybe i am not worth the time for anyone. my head is splitting from the stress and yet i have no idea where to turn.
God help me. take this pain away. please!!!! make it end!!!! open the door please show me, drop it in my lap b/c we both know i am too stupid to take hints i just want out
is there hope for even me or have i wasted yet another chance to be what you have asked of me?
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
A better day
Things are looking up a little. I am still trying to find my way back to normal. But at least I am not down as far as I was. I have been trying to get out of the house more. But still feel paralyzed at the thought. I don't know what has come over me. It is scaring me. Unless it is simply the lack of things on my schedule. I need to work up a list of things to do every day outside of the house and stick to it no matter how I feel.
There are a few errands to run and we will do those shortly. jesse is going to spend the next couple nights at Erik Johnson's house so maybe I can regroup myself and find some peace.
I have him helping with laundry. He is the loader and unloader and I am the folder. When I can peel his eyes off the tv long enough he does a great job. He needs to stop watching, but I also need to stop sleeping. Time for a schedule change again. I have faltered in my no tv from 9-3. Gonna have to start getting up at 630 and getting my shower so that I can watch my shows and then begin a project of some sort.
Even our diets have gone to the wayside, sort of. I am still eating my yogurt and fruit, but making actual dinners is not happening. Need to work on that with super chef. Maybe make that one of his things to do.
Well, it is shower time and then we are off to errand land.
There are a few errands to run and we will do those shortly. jesse is going to spend the next couple nights at Erik Johnson's house so maybe I can regroup myself and find some peace.
I have him helping with laundry. He is the loader and unloader and I am the folder. When I can peel his eyes off the tv long enough he does a great job. He needs to stop watching, but I also need to stop sleeping. Time for a schedule change again. I have faltered in my no tv from 9-3. Gonna have to start getting up at 630 and getting my shower so that I can watch my shows and then begin a project of some sort.
Even our diets have gone to the wayside, sort of. I am still eating my yogurt and fruit, but making actual dinners is not happening. Need to work on that with super chef. Maybe make that one of his things to do.
Well, it is shower time and then we are off to errand land.
Monday, June 23, 2008
Head fogged day
I am not sure what is going on in my head or with my body. I have been sleeping most of the day. I woke first at 6, then went back to bed as I thought the alarm was set for 7. At 8 I woke again, took my morning meds, turned on Charmed and fell asleep (which is normal) But i can't seem to get myself to wake up completely. I have avoided taking round two as I really don't want to sleep the rest of the day. I have a headache and just feel icky. But I also have not had any pepsi yet today. Maybe that is part of the headache but still I am just befuddled. In fact it is really upsetting to me.
I know it has to have something to do with the depression, our own money situation, keeping Jesse occupied without the TV. Thank God he learned how to ride his bike. He spends a lot of time on it and over at the park now. Which is a blessing in itself. I want to join him and will as soon as I switch the seats back on our bikes. That new rectangle one is great to sit on but you cannot peddle and sit on it. Darn it.
Tonight is the TKD movie night at Fountain Stone theatre. We are seeing Kung Fu Panda. Jesse wants to see Indiana Jones. Which we may do later, but not two in one day. Good golly. Never mind the cost, I don't think I can sit thru that loud of noises for four hours.
I really need to call and schedule with Rachel. I need to see her and see what she can suggest. I cant tell if I am over medicated or just simply screwed. the pain is the same so what more can they do? I haven't heard whether pt has been approved and my car is in the shop for overheating. My world is crashing in on me and I am suffocating
Do I wish I hadn't lent the money out? Only in times like this. I love helping others, but I need something coming back in. Disability hasn't hit. And I'll be darned if i ask my parents for advice let alone money. I dug my hole, I have to find a way out.
Then there is the crown that fell out and needs to be out back in I know there is very little left on my Caid dental so I am holding off as long as I can so I can maybe afford it. Looks like it is time ti trim the budget. But what to go? TKD I am afraid. and the house phone. That would free up 70 + 60. esp with gas prices getting as high as they are. i hate to do that to jesse but i don't have much choice. i'l talk with mr harrington and see what we can do. i know the benefits far outweigh the cost, but i cannot do this. i have actually stretched myself way too thin. and i am paying the cost. my body is paying the cost. maybe i can have jeff and brian work with him some this summer until i can afford to send him. so much for my smiling face when we go to classes. maybe this is part of my stress. ya think? i know i am tighter now than i have been in a loooonnnggg time.and i am beginning to hide bills from myself, like tht will work.
ok, so now i will go take round two take my nap and take jesse to see the show. gotta do something.
I know it has to have something to do with the depression, our own money situation, keeping Jesse occupied without the TV. Thank God he learned how to ride his bike. He spends a lot of time on it and over at the park now. Which is a blessing in itself. I want to join him and will as soon as I switch the seats back on our bikes. That new rectangle one is great to sit on but you cannot peddle and sit on it. Darn it.
Tonight is the TKD movie night at Fountain Stone theatre. We are seeing Kung Fu Panda. Jesse wants to see Indiana Jones. Which we may do later, but not two in one day. Good golly. Never mind the cost, I don't think I can sit thru that loud of noises for four hours.
I really need to call and schedule with Rachel. I need to see her and see what she can suggest. I cant tell if I am over medicated or just simply screwed. the pain is the same so what more can they do? I haven't heard whether pt has been approved and my car is in the shop for overheating. My world is crashing in on me and I am suffocating
Do I wish I hadn't lent the money out? Only in times like this. I love helping others, but I need something coming back in. Disability hasn't hit. And I'll be darned if i ask my parents for advice let alone money. I dug my hole, I have to find a way out.
Then there is the crown that fell out and needs to be out back in I know there is very little left on my Caid dental so I am holding off as long as I can so I can maybe afford it. Looks like it is time ti trim the budget. But what to go? TKD I am afraid. and the house phone. That would free up 70 + 60. esp with gas prices getting as high as they are. i hate to do that to jesse but i don't have much choice. i'l talk with mr harrington and see what we can do. i know the benefits far outweigh the cost, but i cannot do this. i have actually stretched myself way too thin. and i am paying the cost. my body is paying the cost. maybe i can have jeff and brian work with him some this summer until i can afford to send him. so much for my smiling face when we go to classes. maybe this is part of my stress. ya think? i know i am tighter now than i have been in a loooonnnggg time.and i am beginning to hide bills from myself, like tht will work.
ok, so now i will go take round two take my nap and take jesse to see the show. gotta do something.
Sunday, June 22, 2008
A Journey Begins with the First Step
And so, here we go. Finding my way on a long journey there will be times when I reflect on and even scrutinize my past. I may dwell on issues that should be long dead and buried, but because Rome was not built in a day, neither shall my healing take place that quickly.
I enjoy my life as Jesse's mom, I really do. But there are times that it gets the best of me. Not so much the mom stuff as much as the challenges I face everyday in my walk.
Having AMC has been a battle in and of itself. The you add in the depression stemming from the Hepatitis C and the pains of my childhood. Yes, I am listing these as part of my healing as they are part of what makes me, me. If you don't like that fact, well then I guess you should just move along. I am not proud of the past. Good Lord, how I wish things had been different. But what pisses me off the most is that those involved have never owned up to the responsibility of it and therefor I have carried the weight all my life of trying to be loveable enough to be accepted.
And at 38 years old I have come to the conclusion (thanks to lots of therapy) that I cannot own the other persons guilt or shame but that if I choose to let them into my life I have to meet them where they are. Which is no easy task as I never quite know where "there" is. It seems to change like the weather in Indiana.
Too bad too, b/c they are missing out on my being a wonderful person. but yet I let them hold this guilt over me. Had I never done this or that or had I only said that................
I'm tired of living up to no ones expectations and all I long for is to be loved for who it is I am. But I have no idea who that person is.
So this is my journey to let go of the ones who were to love me and begin to love myself and do for myself and Jesse whatever it is that God wills for our life.
I enjoy my life as Jesse's mom, I really do. But there are times that it gets the best of me. Not so much the mom stuff as much as the challenges I face everyday in my walk.
Having AMC has been a battle in and of itself. The you add in the depression stemming from the Hepatitis C and the pains of my childhood. Yes, I am listing these as part of my healing as they are part of what makes me, me. If you don't like that fact, well then I guess you should just move along. I am not proud of the past. Good Lord, how I wish things had been different. But what pisses me off the most is that those involved have never owned up to the responsibility of it and therefor I have carried the weight all my life of trying to be loveable enough to be accepted.
And at 38 years old I have come to the conclusion (thanks to lots of therapy) that I cannot own the other persons guilt or shame but that if I choose to let them into my life I have to meet them where they are. Which is no easy task as I never quite know where "there" is. It seems to change like the weather in Indiana.
Too bad too, b/c they are missing out on my being a wonderful person. but yet I let them hold this guilt over me. Had I never done this or that or had I only said that................
I'm tired of living up to no ones expectations and all I long for is to be loved for who it is I am. But I have no idea who that person is.
So this is my journey to let go of the ones who were to love me and begin to love myself and do for myself and Jesse whatever it is that God wills for our life.
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