And so, here we go. Finding my way on a long journey there will be times when I reflect on and even scrutinize my past. I may dwell on issues that should be long dead and buried, but because Rome was not built in a day, neither shall my healing take place that quickly.
I enjoy my life as Jesse's mom, I really do. But there are times that it gets the best of me. Not so much the mom stuff as much as the challenges I face everyday in my walk.
Having AMC has been a battle in and of itself. The you add in the depression stemming from the Hepatitis C and the pains of my childhood. Yes, I am listing these as part of my healing as they are part of what makes me, me. If you don't like that fact, well then I guess you should just move along. I am not proud of the past. Good Lord, how I wish things had been different. But what pisses me off the most is that those involved have never owned up to the responsibility of it and therefor I have carried the weight all my life of trying to be loveable enough to be accepted.
And at 38 years old I have come to the conclusion (thanks to lots of therapy) that I cannot own the other persons guilt or shame but that if I choose to let them into my life I have to meet them where they are. Which is no easy task as I never quite know where "there" is. It seems to change like the weather in Indiana.
Too bad too, b/c they are missing out on my being a wonderful person. but yet I let them hold this guilt over me. Had I never done this or that or had I only said that................
I'm tired of living up to no ones expectations and all I long for is to be loved for who it is I am. But I have no idea who that person is.
So this is my journey to let go of the ones who were to love me and begin to love myself and do for myself and Jesse whatever it is that God wills for our life.
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