Utter disbelief

I'm not even sure that is the right title for this as it happened like it has happened so many times before.

I went to my father for some help and he tried to tell me how irrespsonsible I am with my money. Hello I only have 552 coming in a month and I am irrersponsible. What a freaking moron. The one good thing I did was stop him in his tracks about thirty seconds in and said "it is either yes or no" and he said no and actually shut up. I think he was stunned. But I wasn't going to sit there and hear how I waste my money and how it goes thru my hands like water. how the 401k money was never to be touched. which is fine for a man who had about 4k coming in a month. but hey who am i? just some stupid person in his eye. The same person I have been for so many years. And it is a shame too. Because he is missing out on a relationship with Jesse and me.

I am grieving the fact that my dad is nothing more than a sperm donor in my life and will never be capable of giving the love and adoration I so desperately thrive for. That desert in my life will just have to remain a void never to be filled. So i will focus on those men in my life who can fill this need. Just to be proud of the small things I accomplish.

God was proud of me and reminded me of reserves that I do have to be able to pay for the car repairs. I just had to let go and let God remind me of His amazing grace.

This makes the trip to Ohio nearly impossible to accomplish at this point. And yes it saddens me because for the first time in my life I would be able to see others like myself. I just have to begin saving for the next one, no matter where it is.

And even when I was trying to tell my dad about it he was so not interested in it. And that hurt more than words can say.He has his Kathleen and his house and truck and corvette, but he doesn't have a true relationship with me ot any one else. I feel so sorry for him. He has his money abd his connections but I am not a part of his life and he thinks Jeff likes being with him. Jeff is just happy to be out of his house and since i don't go or does mom. he takes what he can get but i can guarantee this if Jeff had his faculties he'd tell our dad where to get off. Dad says that Jeff never missed a birthday or anniversary, etc. But all Jeff was doing was trying to win the love we never had growing up. Makes me feel sorry for him even now. Locked in his own brain fog.


Jesse stayed home this weekend as he and Donnie were both sick. Plus next weekend is the 4th of July. So he can do fireworks with his dad. And save me the headache. I don't mind fireworks, but it isn't my thing. Again another thing Donnie ruined on that first one when the mosquitoes were attacking and he locked the keys in the truck. Oh the fit he threw. How did I miss the signs? One of the first of many things he would break in his fits rather than use his head.

I have tried many times to forgive all these things I see have happened to me and how many times I have said I am sorry for things I did not need to be sorry for. But I was trying desperately trying to make the situation be ok and if I took the blame then the aggressor might be happy even if only for a minute. some sense of pease. But I always waited for the other shoe to drop and invariably it did. And I am still that little girl trying to make everyone happy. Taking ownership for their problems, so they will like me just a little and then maybe one day actually love me. But that never happened with dad. And it nasueates me that he never loved me. And that I was such a burden to him and the family. And of course verbalizing any of this pisses him off so i leave it here, like i have done so many times before.

I am finally loving myself enough to let real love in. Letting someone in who doesn't want to see me hurt. Who loves the me that I have been hiding for so long b/c she has been so afraid of coming out and being who she REALLY is. Thank you Brian for loving me, for giving me the courage to stand up for myself and be me that I want to be. God has sent me a true angel.