I received a call just a while ago and the church is going to help me with the expense of my car repair. They asked what all was being done to it and I explained as best I could in what I understand and then have left it in their hands to figure out. Maybe when they go up or when Gordon calls he can get a better idea of what needed to be done and why it is so expensive. I am feeling so much better and then at the same time wondering how best to repay my gratitude.
I think I am going to make a suggestion to the church that a barnabas list be made up and handed out. So that when issues arise in the church that we can call upon our brothers and sisters in Christ to help out. Because I certainly do not know who does what other than Ed. And I guess Calvin as he worked on the school buses. But if there were a list to refer to for help then maybe we could all save some time and money and help one another out in the process.
Not sure what it is I can contribute, but there has to be something. Maybe my medical billing can come in handy to help others be sure that they aren't paying too much out of pocket when insurances do not pay. That and a prayer warrior and card minister. Those I can do.
Monday, June 30, 2008
Sunday, June 29, 2008
Things are looking up!!
I spent a lot of yesterday feeling sorry for myself and praying that God would take this burden of our financial situation and make it right again. During Sunday School I had yet another prayer request for Jesse and I explaining that we wouldn't be able to make our convention because of the cost of fixing the car. And to give me peace and acceptance that maybe next year we will make it.
I think it hurt so much because when dad just blew me off when I tried to explain how much this means to me. But he was still focused on my asking for money to help fix the car that he couldn't hear anything else. I know I shocked him when I said "it's yes or no". Stopping him dead in his tracks of reigning down his reign of wisdom on how incredibly stupid and irresponsible I am.
Little does he know that I have done so many wonderful things that I can never share with him b/c he can only see as far as his own financial future. I sure hope he has a plan for his future. Would it be nice to inherit his worldly goods and money, sure. But do I honestly want to go thru the headache it would take to obtain any of it. Not a chance. Unless it says it goes to me, I am not sure how I will handle the rest. I know the vultures will be out in full force should he go soon. But as mean as his spirit is, he'll outlast everyone. It's too bad to that he can't develop a healthy relationship with me. But who am I?
After Sunday School Angie was asking me about the costs and how much I need for the convention. And to not give up hope just yet. Oh the blessing it will be if the church will help us to get there. It's funny in situations how you find out who your true friends and family are. And family does not have to be blood related either. I love my church family. I am just so bashful and standing is such an issue for me that I am not sure what to do.
I really hope out PT begins this week. We both need it terribly.
Jesse is such a joy now that he is riding his bike. The freedom he has. The exercise he is getting. And his independence is astounding.
Riding our bikes to church this morning was incredible. It was a bit chilly, but we were warm by the time we got there. Only had a few sprinkles after we got there. We did have a couple offers to bring us home, but I declined saying we enjoyed our ride and since the sun was shining, we'd be fine. I could feel it on the last few blocks. But I'll not trade the memory. Maybe I can get him to go to church like that more often. As well as other errands. Saves gas at +$4/gal we have to do something.
I think it hurt so much because when dad just blew me off when I tried to explain how much this means to me. But he was still focused on my asking for money to help fix the car that he couldn't hear anything else. I know I shocked him when I said "it's yes or no". Stopping him dead in his tracks of reigning down his reign of wisdom on how incredibly stupid and irresponsible I am.
Little does he know that I have done so many wonderful things that I can never share with him b/c he can only see as far as his own financial future. I sure hope he has a plan for his future. Would it be nice to inherit his worldly goods and money, sure. But do I honestly want to go thru the headache it would take to obtain any of it. Not a chance. Unless it says it goes to me, I am not sure how I will handle the rest. I know the vultures will be out in full force should he go soon. But as mean as his spirit is, he'll outlast everyone. It's too bad to that he can't develop a healthy relationship with me. But who am I?
After Sunday School Angie was asking me about the costs and how much I need for the convention. And to not give up hope just yet. Oh the blessing it will be if the church will help us to get there. It's funny in situations how you find out who your true friends and family are. And family does not have to be blood related either. I love my church family. I am just so bashful and standing is such an issue for me that I am not sure what to do.
I really hope out PT begins this week. We both need it terribly.
Jesse is such a joy now that he is riding his bike. The freedom he has. The exercise he is getting. And his independence is astounding.
Riding our bikes to church this morning was incredible. It was a bit chilly, but we were warm by the time we got there. Only had a few sprinkles after we got there. We did have a couple offers to bring us home, but I declined saying we enjoyed our ride and since the sun was shining, we'd be fine. I could feel it on the last few blocks. But I'll not trade the memory. Maybe I can get him to go to church like that more often. As well as other errands. Saves gas at +$4/gal we have to do something.
Saturday, June 28, 2008
Utter disbelief
I'm not even sure that is the right title for this as it happened like it has happened so many times before.
I went to my father for some help and he tried to tell me how irrespsonsible I am with my money. Hello I only have 552 coming in a month and I am irrersponsible. What a freaking moron. The one good thing I did was stop him in his tracks about thirty seconds in and said "it is either yes or no" and he said no and actually shut up. I think he was stunned. But I wasn't going to sit there and hear how I waste my money and how it goes thru my hands like water. how the 401k money was never to be touched. which is fine for a man who had about 4k coming in a month. but hey who am i? just some stupid person in his eye. The same person I have been for so many years. And it is a shame too. Because he is missing out on a relationship with Jesse and me.
I am grieving the fact that my dad is nothing more than a sperm donor in my life and will never be capable of giving the love and adoration I so desperately thrive for. That desert in my life will just have to remain a void never to be filled. So i will focus on those men in my life who can fill this need. Just to be proud of the small things I accomplish.
God was proud of me and reminded me of reserves that I do have to be able to pay for the car repairs. I just had to let go and let God remind me of His amazing grace.
This makes the trip to Ohio nearly impossible to accomplish at this point. And yes it saddens me because for the first time in my life I would be able to see others like myself. I just have to begin saving for the next one, no matter where it is.
And even when I was trying to tell my dad about it he was so not interested in it. And that hurt more than words can say.He has his Kathleen and his house and truck and corvette, but he doesn't have a true relationship with me ot any one else. I feel so sorry for him. He has his money abd his connections but I am not a part of his life and he thinks Jeff likes being with him. Jeff is just happy to be out of his house and since i don't go or does mom. he takes what he can get but i can guarantee this if Jeff had his faculties he'd tell our dad where to get off. Dad says that Jeff never missed a birthday or anniversary, etc. But all Jeff was doing was trying to win the love we never had growing up. Makes me feel sorry for him even now. Locked in his own brain fog.
Jesse stayed home this weekend as he and Donnie were both sick. Plus next weekend is the 4th of July. So he can do fireworks with his dad. And save me the headache. I don't mind fireworks, but it isn't my thing. Again another thing Donnie ruined on that first one when the mosquitoes were attacking and he locked the keys in the truck. Oh the fit he threw. How did I miss the signs? One of the first of many things he would break in his fits rather than use his head.
I have tried many times to forgive all these things I see have happened to me and how many times I have said I am sorry for things I did not need to be sorry for. But I was trying desperately trying to make the situation be ok and if I took the blame then the aggressor might be happy even if only for a minute. some sense of pease. But I always waited for the other shoe to drop and invariably it did. And I am still that little girl trying to make everyone happy. Taking ownership for their problems, so they will like me just a little and then maybe one day actually love me. But that never happened with dad. And it nasueates me that he never loved me. And that I was such a burden to him and the family. And of course verbalizing any of this pisses him off so i leave it here, like i have done so many times before.
I am finally loving myself enough to let real love in. Letting someone in who doesn't want to see me hurt. Who loves the me that I have been hiding for so long b/c she has been so afraid of coming out and being who she REALLY is. Thank you Brian for loving me, for giving me the courage to stand up for myself and be me that I want to be. God has sent me a true angel.
I went to my father for some help and he tried to tell me how irrespsonsible I am with my money. Hello I only have 552 coming in a month and I am irrersponsible. What a freaking moron. The one good thing I did was stop him in his tracks about thirty seconds in and said "it is either yes or no" and he said no and actually shut up. I think he was stunned. But I wasn't going to sit there and hear how I waste my money and how it goes thru my hands like water. how the 401k money was never to be touched. which is fine for a man who had about 4k coming in a month. but hey who am i? just some stupid person in his eye. The same person I have been for so many years. And it is a shame too. Because he is missing out on a relationship with Jesse and me.
I am grieving the fact that my dad is nothing more than a sperm donor in my life and will never be capable of giving the love and adoration I so desperately thrive for. That desert in my life will just have to remain a void never to be filled. So i will focus on those men in my life who can fill this need. Just to be proud of the small things I accomplish.
God was proud of me and reminded me of reserves that I do have to be able to pay for the car repairs. I just had to let go and let God remind me of His amazing grace.
This makes the trip to Ohio nearly impossible to accomplish at this point. And yes it saddens me because for the first time in my life I would be able to see others like myself. I just have to begin saving for the next one, no matter where it is.
And even when I was trying to tell my dad about it he was so not interested in it. And that hurt more than words can say.He has his Kathleen and his house and truck and corvette, but he doesn't have a true relationship with me ot any one else. I feel so sorry for him. He has his money abd his connections but I am not a part of his life and he thinks Jeff likes being with him. Jeff is just happy to be out of his house and since i don't go or does mom. he takes what he can get but i can guarantee this if Jeff had his faculties he'd tell our dad where to get off. Dad says that Jeff never missed a birthday or anniversary, etc. But all Jeff was doing was trying to win the love we never had growing up. Makes me feel sorry for him even now. Locked in his own brain fog.
Jesse stayed home this weekend as he and Donnie were both sick. Plus next weekend is the 4th of July. So he can do fireworks with his dad. And save me the headache. I don't mind fireworks, but it isn't my thing. Again another thing Donnie ruined on that first one when the mosquitoes were attacking and he locked the keys in the truck. Oh the fit he threw. How did I miss the signs? One of the first of many things he would break in his fits rather than use his head.
I have tried many times to forgive all these things I see have happened to me and how many times I have said I am sorry for things I did not need to be sorry for. But I was trying desperately trying to make the situation be ok and if I took the blame then the aggressor might be happy even if only for a minute. some sense of pease. But I always waited for the other shoe to drop and invariably it did. And I am still that little girl trying to make everyone happy. Taking ownership for their problems, so they will like me just a little and then maybe one day actually love me. But that never happened with dad. And it nasueates me that he never loved me. And that I was such a burden to him and the family. And of course verbalizing any of this pisses him off so i leave it here, like i have done so many times before.
I am finally loving myself enough to let real love in. Letting someone in who doesn't want to see me hurt. Who loves the me that I have been hiding for so long b/c she has been so afraid of coming out and being who she REALLY is. Thank you Brian for loving me, for giving me the courage to stand up for myself and be me that I want to be. God has sent me a true angel.
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Putting things in perspective.
Having the last couple nights without Jesse has given me some time to reflect and figure out how to make our home work more efficiently. Not saying it will be perfect, as there is nothing perfect in this world. But as much to a more normal scenerio as possible. Of course, he is heading down to his dads tomorrow night so I will have yet more time to set into place the things I fell will help he and I achieve the harmony I'd like to see here.
Finding a place for everything is a challenge faced everyday. I am still trying to reduce our surplus of things we just don't need. I know good luck with that.
But I have started to get his study desk ready. And then next week we will work on his room and eliminate a lot of stuff in there. Then asap have a sale so we might have some spending money when we head off to Ohio next month for the convention.
I am hoping to hear from the hospital on getting Jesse scheduled for his pt and maybe someday mine will kick in and then we can add that to our daily list of things to do. At least it will get us up and moving in the morning.
I need to get on his therapy myself and make it a priority. As much as he doesn't like it he will have to just get used to it. And I'll let him help me as much as possible when I do some for me.
Letting my hair grow out again. Am I nuts? Maybe, but I am only going to aim for a bob or something short and off he neck to start with then see if I want to venture out a little longer. Just have to get the over the ears out of the way and growing. With only going neck length, I am hoping that it will help me to feel a little better about myself.
Better get rested up so I can go up and pick Jesse up later tonight.
Finding a place for everything is a challenge faced everyday. I am still trying to reduce our surplus of things we just don't need. I know good luck with that.
But I have started to get his study desk ready. And then next week we will work on his room and eliminate a lot of stuff in there. Then asap have a sale so we might have some spending money when we head off to Ohio next month for the convention.
I am hoping to hear from the hospital on getting Jesse scheduled for his pt and maybe someday mine will kick in and then we can add that to our daily list of things to do. At least it will get us up and moving in the morning.
I need to get on his therapy myself and make it a priority. As much as he doesn't like it he will have to just get used to it. And I'll let him help me as much as possible when I do some for me.
Letting my hair grow out again. Am I nuts? Maybe, but I am only going to aim for a bob or something short and off he neck to start with then see if I want to venture out a little longer. Just have to get the over the ears out of the way and growing. With only going neck length, I am hoping that it will help me to feel a little better about myself.
Better get rested up so I can go up and pick Jesse up later tonight.
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
What Matters Most
What matters most to me.
Gods never ending grace. His love. His kindness. His mercy.
He will never leave me nor forsake me. No matter how far I run from Him He will always be there when I come back with open arms to take me in and wipe the dust off and say
"child, welcome home. I have missed you."
He loves me, warts and all. Isn't that the most amazing thing in the world.
Jesse and his pure love of life. His innocence and imagination. The way he sees the world for the first time and shows me his world thru his eyes. Forgetting myself and what i know but letting myself be absorbed in his world. The way he thinks of every detail right down to the smallest of things. Sometimes I miss when he was little and just discovering hhis true passions. He does love to sing and the way he loved the Gaithers. That was the one thing he and I had together. And when he lost that, I lost part of me. But he is back to loving some of my music and more of his dads. I am trying to respect that, even when I don't agree with some of the songs he knows the words to.
Brian has been an absolute doll. He is so uplifting and loving to Jesse and I. I found out some things about him tonight that I hadn't known. He is thinking of our future as much as I. But hearing him talk about possibly looking into going to school at Purdue for a masters degree floored me. We hadn't talked about who might make the move to make this work and so I was shocked. He is so loving and caring. Handsome and kind. His goal is to be sure that I smile all the time and do not feel any pain like I had in the past. He is trying to erase that part of my life. I pray that some time I can forget the past and or know how to get past the hurt from it. I know he loves me and Shrek. His Fiona loves Ogre with all her heart. There is no one else for her. His touch, his voice, his love. I long for the day that he and I can be together to do gardening together, to cook in the kitchen or watch he and Jesse cooking dinner while I prepare the table. A true house filled with love.
My own life. I have so many things going for me that sometimes I forget to see the spendor in the small things. A roof over our heads, air conditioning and heat, food on our table. God has blessed us with much. I have to remember that I can walk, talk, love, smile, and sing. The voice I have to sing with is a blessing whether it is only heard here in the house or in front of the church. God knows my heart and where it is i should be. I have to trust in Him to help me find my way.
Sunshine and warm days, beautiful flowers, sunrise and sunsets, babies and aged, grandma, puppies, the very air I breath.
Gods never ending grace. His love. His kindness. His mercy.
He will never leave me nor forsake me. No matter how far I run from Him He will always be there when I come back with open arms to take me in and wipe the dust off and say
"child, welcome home. I have missed you."
He loves me, warts and all. Isn't that the most amazing thing in the world.
Jesse and his pure love of life. His innocence and imagination. The way he sees the world for the first time and shows me his world thru his eyes. Forgetting myself and what i know but letting myself be absorbed in his world. The way he thinks of every detail right down to the smallest of things. Sometimes I miss when he was little and just discovering hhis true passions. He does love to sing and the way he loved the Gaithers. That was the one thing he and I had together. And when he lost that, I lost part of me. But he is back to loving some of my music and more of his dads. I am trying to respect that, even when I don't agree with some of the songs he knows the words to.
Brian has been an absolute doll. He is so uplifting and loving to Jesse and I. I found out some things about him tonight that I hadn't known. He is thinking of our future as much as I. But hearing him talk about possibly looking into going to school at Purdue for a masters degree floored me. We hadn't talked about who might make the move to make this work and so I was shocked. He is so loving and caring. Handsome and kind. His goal is to be sure that I smile all the time and do not feel any pain like I had in the past. He is trying to erase that part of my life. I pray that some time I can forget the past and or know how to get past the hurt from it. I know he loves me and Shrek. His Fiona loves Ogre with all her heart. There is no one else for her. His touch, his voice, his love. I long for the day that he and I can be together to do gardening together, to cook in the kitchen or watch he and Jesse cooking dinner while I prepare the table. A true house filled with love.
My own life. I have so many things going for me that sometimes I forget to see the spendor in the small things. A roof over our heads, air conditioning and heat, food on our table. God has blessed us with much. I have to remember that I can walk, talk, love, smile, and sing. The voice I have to sing with is a blessing whether it is only heard here in the house or in front of the church. God knows my heart and where it is i should be. I have to trust in Him to help me find my way.
Sunshine and warm days, beautiful flowers, sunrise and sunsets, babies and aged, grandma, puppies, the very air I breath.
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
God Help Me
I am having a major panic attack. Not sure how I am goin to handle it so i am going to type here and see if it makes me any more secure. Jesse is spending the next couple nights up at Kris and Ricks so i am on my own, which I kind of need, but yetam not sure how to handle it.
I was having breathing problems on the way home. I am so in need of being held by someone. touch and security by another to let me hide if even for just a short time. but tthere is noone to whom i can go to and get this. i have relied on eroc so much for spport lately and complaining to him that he doesnt need to hear it yet again but yet i am dying inside.
brian and i don't talk enough to keep me calm. i just feel like i am such a burden to everyone and that no one understands how i feel my stomach is in knots. i want to puke and yet i want to run as far away as possible buut have no money or vehicle to do any of this
the chrysler is overheating for some unknown reason and the buick is a piece of shit so i am totally screwed. can't go to dad and ask for any help with my bills as i do not want to hear how i fucked up and dug this hole for myself so now i am really freaking out as to what in the workd do i to to make ends meet
jesse even said i need a job. great my son knows his mom is a freak and sad sack. maybe i am not worth the time for anyone. my head is splitting from the stress and yet i have no idea where to turn.
God help me. take this pain away. please!!!! make it end!!!! open the door please show me, drop it in my lap b/c we both know i am too stupid to take hints i just want out
is there hope for even me or have i wasted yet another chance to be what you have asked of me?
I was having breathing problems on the way home. I am so in need of being held by someone. touch and security by another to let me hide if even for just a short time. but tthere is noone to whom i can go to and get this. i have relied on eroc so much for spport lately and complaining to him that he doesnt need to hear it yet again but yet i am dying inside.
brian and i don't talk enough to keep me calm. i just feel like i am such a burden to everyone and that no one understands how i feel my stomach is in knots. i want to puke and yet i want to run as far away as possible buut have no money or vehicle to do any of this
the chrysler is overheating for some unknown reason and the buick is a piece of shit so i am totally screwed. can't go to dad and ask for any help with my bills as i do not want to hear how i fucked up and dug this hole for myself so now i am really freaking out as to what in the workd do i to to make ends meet
jesse even said i need a job. great my son knows his mom is a freak and sad sack. maybe i am not worth the time for anyone. my head is splitting from the stress and yet i have no idea where to turn.
God help me. take this pain away. please!!!! make it end!!!! open the door please show me, drop it in my lap b/c we both know i am too stupid to take hints i just want out
is there hope for even me or have i wasted yet another chance to be what you have asked of me?
A better day
Things are looking up a little. I am still trying to find my way back to normal. But at least I am not down as far as I was. I have been trying to get out of the house more. But still feel paralyzed at the thought. I don't know what has come over me. It is scaring me. Unless it is simply the lack of things on my schedule. I need to work up a list of things to do every day outside of the house and stick to it no matter how I feel.
There are a few errands to run and we will do those shortly. jesse is going to spend the next couple nights at Erik Johnson's house so maybe I can regroup myself and find some peace.
I have him helping with laundry. He is the loader and unloader and I am the folder. When I can peel his eyes off the tv long enough he does a great job. He needs to stop watching, but I also need to stop sleeping. Time for a schedule change again. I have faltered in my no tv from 9-3. Gonna have to start getting up at 630 and getting my shower so that I can watch my shows and then begin a project of some sort.
Even our diets have gone to the wayside, sort of. I am still eating my yogurt and fruit, but making actual dinners is not happening. Need to work on that with super chef. Maybe make that one of his things to do.
Well, it is shower time and then we are off to errand land.
There are a few errands to run and we will do those shortly. jesse is going to spend the next couple nights at Erik Johnson's house so maybe I can regroup myself and find some peace.
I have him helping with laundry. He is the loader and unloader and I am the folder. When I can peel his eyes off the tv long enough he does a great job. He needs to stop watching, but I also need to stop sleeping. Time for a schedule change again. I have faltered in my no tv from 9-3. Gonna have to start getting up at 630 and getting my shower so that I can watch my shows and then begin a project of some sort.
Even our diets have gone to the wayside, sort of. I am still eating my yogurt and fruit, but making actual dinners is not happening. Need to work on that with super chef. Maybe make that one of his things to do.
Well, it is shower time and then we are off to errand land.
Monday, June 23, 2008
Head fogged day
I am not sure what is going on in my head or with my body. I have been sleeping most of the day. I woke first at 6, then went back to bed as I thought the alarm was set for 7. At 8 I woke again, took my morning meds, turned on Charmed and fell asleep (which is normal) But i can't seem to get myself to wake up completely. I have avoided taking round two as I really don't want to sleep the rest of the day. I have a headache and just feel icky. But I also have not had any pepsi yet today. Maybe that is part of the headache but still I am just befuddled. In fact it is really upsetting to me.
I know it has to have something to do with the depression, our own money situation, keeping Jesse occupied without the TV. Thank God he learned how to ride his bike. He spends a lot of time on it and over at the park now. Which is a blessing in itself. I want to join him and will as soon as I switch the seats back on our bikes. That new rectangle one is great to sit on but you cannot peddle and sit on it. Darn it.
Tonight is the TKD movie night at Fountain Stone theatre. We are seeing Kung Fu Panda. Jesse wants to see Indiana Jones. Which we may do later, but not two in one day. Good golly. Never mind the cost, I don't think I can sit thru that loud of noises for four hours.
I really need to call and schedule with Rachel. I need to see her and see what she can suggest. I cant tell if I am over medicated or just simply screwed. the pain is the same so what more can they do? I haven't heard whether pt has been approved and my car is in the shop for overheating. My world is crashing in on me and I am suffocating
Do I wish I hadn't lent the money out? Only in times like this. I love helping others, but I need something coming back in. Disability hasn't hit. And I'll be darned if i ask my parents for advice let alone money. I dug my hole, I have to find a way out.
Then there is the crown that fell out and needs to be out back in I know there is very little left on my Caid dental so I am holding off as long as I can so I can maybe afford it. Looks like it is time ti trim the budget. But what to go? TKD I am afraid. and the house phone. That would free up 70 + 60. esp with gas prices getting as high as they are. i hate to do that to jesse but i don't have much choice. i'l talk with mr harrington and see what we can do. i know the benefits far outweigh the cost, but i cannot do this. i have actually stretched myself way too thin. and i am paying the cost. my body is paying the cost. maybe i can have jeff and brian work with him some this summer until i can afford to send him. so much for my smiling face when we go to classes. maybe this is part of my stress. ya think? i know i am tighter now than i have been in a loooonnnggg time.and i am beginning to hide bills from myself, like tht will work.
ok, so now i will go take round two take my nap and take jesse to see the show. gotta do something.
I know it has to have something to do with the depression, our own money situation, keeping Jesse occupied without the TV. Thank God he learned how to ride his bike. He spends a lot of time on it and over at the park now. Which is a blessing in itself. I want to join him and will as soon as I switch the seats back on our bikes. That new rectangle one is great to sit on but you cannot peddle and sit on it. Darn it.
Tonight is the TKD movie night at Fountain Stone theatre. We are seeing Kung Fu Panda. Jesse wants to see Indiana Jones. Which we may do later, but not two in one day. Good golly. Never mind the cost, I don't think I can sit thru that loud of noises for four hours.
I really need to call and schedule with Rachel. I need to see her and see what she can suggest. I cant tell if I am over medicated or just simply screwed. the pain is the same so what more can they do? I haven't heard whether pt has been approved and my car is in the shop for overheating. My world is crashing in on me and I am suffocating
Do I wish I hadn't lent the money out? Only in times like this. I love helping others, but I need something coming back in. Disability hasn't hit. And I'll be darned if i ask my parents for advice let alone money. I dug my hole, I have to find a way out.
Then there is the crown that fell out and needs to be out back in I know there is very little left on my Caid dental so I am holding off as long as I can so I can maybe afford it. Looks like it is time ti trim the budget. But what to go? TKD I am afraid. and the house phone. That would free up 70 + 60. esp with gas prices getting as high as they are. i hate to do that to jesse but i don't have much choice. i'l talk with mr harrington and see what we can do. i know the benefits far outweigh the cost, but i cannot do this. i have actually stretched myself way too thin. and i am paying the cost. my body is paying the cost. maybe i can have jeff and brian work with him some this summer until i can afford to send him. so much for my smiling face when we go to classes. maybe this is part of my stress. ya think? i know i am tighter now than i have been in a loooonnnggg time.and i am beginning to hide bills from myself, like tht will work.
ok, so now i will go take round two take my nap and take jesse to see the show. gotta do something.
Sunday, June 22, 2008
A Journey Begins with the First Step
And so, here we go. Finding my way on a long journey there will be times when I reflect on and even scrutinize my past. I may dwell on issues that should be long dead and buried, but because Rome was not built in a day, neither shall my healing take place that quickly.
I enjoy my life as Jesse's mom, I really do. But there are times that it gets the best of me. Not so much the mom stuff as much as the challenges I face everyday in my walk.
Having AMC has been a battle in and of itself. The you add in the depression stemming from the Hepatitis C and the pains of my childhood. Yes, I am listing these as part of my healing as they are part of what makes me, me. If you don't like that fact, well then I guess you should just move along. I am not proud of the past. Good Lord, how I wish things had been different. But what pisses me off the most is that those involved have never owned up to the responsibility of it and therefor I have carried the weight all my life of trying to be loveable enough to be accepted.
And at 38 years old I have come to the conclusion (thanks to lots of therapy) that I cannot own the other persons guilt or shame but that if I choose to let them into my life I have to meet them where they are. Which is no easy task as I never quite know where "there" is. It seems to change like the weather in Indiana.
Too bad too, b/c they are missing out on my being a wonderful person. but yet I let them hold this guilt over me. Had I never done this or that or had I only said that................
I'm tired of living up to no ones expectations and all I long for is to be loved for who it is I am. But I have no idea who that person is.
So this is my journey to let go of the ones who were to love me and begin to love myself and do for myself and Jesse whatever it is that God wills for our life.
I enjoy my life as Jesse's mom, I really do. But there are times that it gets the best of me. Not so much the mom stuff as much as the challenges I face everyday in my walk.
Having AMC has been a battle in and of itself. The you add in the depression stemming from the Hepatitis C and the pains of my childhood. Yes, I am listing these as part of my healing as they are part of what makes me, me. If you don't like that fact, well then I guess you should just move along. I am not proud of the past. Good Lord, how I wish things had been different. But what pisses me off the most is that those involved have never owned up to the responsibility of it and therefor I have carried the weight all my life of trying to be loveable enough to be accepted.
And at 38 years old I have come to the conclusion (thanks to lots of therapy) that I cannot own the other persons guilt or shame but that if I choose to let them into my life I have to meet them where they are. Which is no easy task as I never quite know where "there" is. It seems to change like the weather in Indiana.
Too bad too, b/c they are missing out on my being a wonderful person. but yet I let them hold this guilt over me. Had I never done this or that or had I only said that................
I'm tired of living up to no ones expectations and all I long for is to be loved for who it is I am. But I have no idea who that person is.
So this is my journey to let go of the ones who were to love me and begin to love myself and do for myself and Jesse whatever it is that God wills for our life.
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