Things are shifting around here. I have been on a roll. Standing up for myself and Jesse is feeling so empowering. I repossessed the Buick from Eric and Julie. With the way my life had been snowballing, seeing her drive it out to Uncle bud and Aunt Nancy's created a rage in me that was the final straw in my hat.

I took the keys back and told her it would remain parked. Aunt Val thought maybe her mom would be interested in buying it, but I have found out that she is not. So, now I am going to have to sell it myself. Of course I need to clean it up first. The tree sap made the window screech to loudly, I nearly went off on her (Julie) again for it. For not taking care of that which was not yet hers in the first place.

I sent my resume off for a position as a healthcare coordinator. We'll see if I get a positive response from that. Or a response at all.

The trip to Ohio that I am so excited about may not happen after all. Unless I can come up with the money in the next few days, we are screwed. And I am devastated. Beyond words. I am not sure how low I will feel if we can't get there. If only, a miracle could happen. I know there is always next year, and I will be there next year, but it just kills me to not be able to go this year. to finally meet others like us. i just want to start crying now.

Happy Birthday America!!!!

Jesse is with his dad this 4th of July. Something I am thankful for. He has been back from Tennessee for three weeks and it has been a trying time for both of us. My just having set up a clean house to maintain and his room not being clean as well has caused us to butt heads on more than one moment in time. He was to have cleaned his room by the time he went back to his dads or at least have a good start on it, well it's not. So between now and when I pick him up Sunday I am going to remove every toy from his room and he will only have clothes and his bed in there. I know I had said to him that the things in the bins he could keep but that was with the original agreement of cleaning. So I may have him earn those back, somehow.

And mom is having a yard sale next weekend so it is perfect timing. Get rid of as much of this crap as we can, plus make some money to be able to pay our bills. Never mind the trip in two weeks, that I just don't see us as being able to attend. I know I should put my faith in God and trust him, and I do. So, I will remian faithful to him.

My elbow is healing after the big crash on sunday. Even the tetnus shot feels lots better. I can actually use my arm for more than an ornament. Even carried a gallon of milk in today. There was no way even yesterday morning I could have done that. I guess the infection is leaving as is the swelling. that ought to teach me.....doubtful

I have slept most of today. Just have had zero energy. I'd get up and think ok I'll start something, then in ten minutes I was back in bed. I think Dr Sigua and I are going to have a discussion on my taking the Lyrica. I am just to dragging to be functional. which doesn't help me parent Jesse or just be me. but we'll see. i also need to talk with Dr wakefield about my depression meds, i am so down. but is it b/c i only have 50 in the bank and no income. and parents who really don't seem to want to help but rather criticize how i live my life. and they wonder why i don't visit more. silly parents.


Brian and I are doing good. We talk on the phone about once or twice a week for a short time. Trying to keep our bills down there. IM as we can when we are both online. I am becoming a stronger me b/c of our not being in constant communication. I have to rely on myself to be a stronger me and not rely on him for my strength. Although I know he is there for me every step of the way. Our love is a true and deep one. It's hard to describe, but wouldn't change it. Except maybe the miles between us. I so miss and need his touch. To hear his voice remind me that I am strong.

Today looks brighter

I received a call just a while ago and the church is going to help me with the expense of my car repair. They asked what all was being done to it and I explained as best I could in what I understand and then have left it in their hands to figure out. Maybe when they go up or when Gordon calls he can get a better idea of what needed to be done and why it is so expensive. I am feeling so much better and then at the same time wondering how best to repay my gratitude.

I think I am going to make a suggestion to the church that a barnabas list be made up and handed out. So that when issues arise in the church that we can call upon our brothers and sisters in Christ to help out. Because I certainly do not know who does what other than Ed. And I guess Calvin as he worked on the school buses. But if there were a list to refer to for help then maybe we could all save some time and money and help one another out in the process.

Not sure what it is I can contribute, but there has to be something. Maybe my medical billing can come in handy to help others be sure that they aren't paying too much out of pocket when insurances do not pay. That and a prayer warrior and card minister. Those I can do.

Things are looking up!!

I spent a lot of yesterday feeling sorry for myself and praying that God would take this burden of our financial situation and make it right again. During Sunday School I had yet another prayer request for Jesse and I explaining that we wouldn't be able to make our convention because of the cost of fixing the car. And to give me peace and acceptance that maybe next year we will make it.

I think it hurt so much because when dad just blew me off when I tried to explain how much this means to me. But he was still focused on my asking for money to help fix the car that he couldn't hear anything else. I know I shocked him when I said "it's yes or no". Stopping him dead in his tracks of reigning down his reign of wisdom on how incredibly stupid and irresponsible I am.

Little does he know that I have done so many wonderful things that I can never share with him b/c he can only see as far as his own financial future. I sure hope he has a plan for his future. Would it be nice to inherit his worldly goods and money, sure. But do I honestly want to go thru the headache it would take to obtain any of it. Not a chance. Unless it says it goes to me, I am not sure how I will handle the rest. I know the vultures will be out in full force should he go soon. But as mean as his spirit is, he'll outlast everyone. It's too bad to that he can't develop a healthy relationship with me. But who am I?

After Sunday School Angie was asking me about the costs and how much I need for the convention. And to not give up hope just yet. Oh the blessing it will be if the church will help us to get there. It's funny in situations how you find out who your true friends and family are. And family does not have to be blood related either. I love my church family. I am just so bashful and standing is such an issue for me that I am not sure what to do.

I really hope out PT begins this week. We both need it terribly.

Jesse is such a joy now that he is riding his bike. The freedom he has. The exercise he is getting. And his independence is astounding.

Riding our bikes to church this morning was incredible. It was a bit chilly, but we were warm by the time we got there. Only had a few sprinkles after we got there. We did have a couple offers to bring us home, but I declined saying we enjoyed our ride and since the sun was shining, we'd be fine. I could feel it on the last few blocks. But I'll not trade the memory. Maybe I can get him to go to church like that more often. As well as other errands. Saves gas at +$4/gal we have to do something.

Utter disbelief

I'm not even sure that is the right title for this as it happened like it has happened so many times before.

I went to my father for some help and he tried to tell me how irrespsonsible I am with my money. Hello I only have 552 coming in a month and I am irrersponsible. What a freaking moron. The one good thing I did was stop him in his tracks about thirty seconds in and said "it is either yes or no" and he said no and actually shut up. I think he was stunned. But I wasn't going to sit there and hear how I waste my money and how it goes thru my hands like water. how the 401k money was never to be touched. which is fine for a man who had about 4k coming in a month. but hey who am i? just some stupid person in his eye. The same person I have been for so many years. And it is a shame too. Because he is missing out on a relationship with Jesse and me.

I am grieving the fact that my dad is nothing more than a sperm donor in my life and will never be capable of giving the love and adoration I so desperately thrive for. That desert in my life will just have to remain a void never to be filled. So i will focus on those men in my life who can fill this need. Just to be proud of the small things I accomplish.

God was proud of me and reminded me of reserves that I do have to be able to pay for the car repairs. I just had to let go and let God remind me of His amazing grace.

This makes the trip to Ohio nearly impossible to accomplish at this point. And yes it saddens me because for the first time in my life I would be able to see others like myself. I just have to begin saving for the next one, no matter where it is.

And even when I was trying to tell my dad about it he was so not interested in it. And that hurt more than words can say.He has his Kathleen and his house and truck and corvette, but he doesn't have a true relationship with me ot any one else. I feel so sorry for him. He has his money abd his connections but I am not a part of his life and he thinks Jeff likes being with him. Jeff is just happy to be out of his house and since i don't go or does mom. he takes what he can get but i can guarantee this if Jeff had his faculties he'd tell our dad where to get off. Dad says that Jeff never missed a birthday or anniversary, etc. But all Jeff was doing was trying to win the love we never had growing up. Makes me feel sorry for him even now. Locked in his own brain fog.


Jesse stayed home this weekend as he and Donnie were both sick. Plus next weekend is the 4th of July. So he can do fireworks with his dad. And save me the headache. I don't mind fireworks, but it isn't my thing. Again another thing Donnie ruined on that first one when the mosquitoes were attacking and he locked the keys in the truck. Oh the fit he threw. How did I miss the signs? One of the first of many things he would break in his fits rather than use his head.

I have tried many times to forgive all these things I see have happened to me and how many times I have said I am sorry for things I did not need to be sorry for. But I was trying desperately trying to make the situation be ok and if I took the blame then the aggressor might be happy even if only for a minute. some sense of pease. But I always waited for the other shoe to drop and invariably it did. And I am still that little girl trying to make everyone happy. Taking ownership for their problems, so they will like me just a little and then maybe one day actually love me. But that never happened with dad. And it nasueates me that he never loved me. And that I was such a burden to him and the family. And of course verbalizing any of this pisses him off so i leave it here, like i have done so many times before.

I am finally loving myself enough to let real love in. Letting someone in who doesn't want to see me hurt. Who loves the me that I have been hiding for so long b/c she has been so afraid of coming out and being who she REALLY is. Thank you Brian for loving me, for giving me the courage to stand up for myself and be me that I want to be. God has sent me a true angel.

Putting things in perspective.

Having the last couple nights without Jesse has given me some time to reflect and figure out how to make our home work more efficiently. Not saying it will be perfect, as there is nothing perfect in this world. But as much to a more normal scenerio as possible. Of course, he is heading down to his dads tomorrow night so I will have yet more time to set into place the things I fell will help he and I achieve the harmony I'd like to see here.

Finding a place for everything is a challenge faced everyday. I am still trying to reduce our surplus of things we just don't need. I know good luck with that.

But I have started to get his study desk ready. And then next week we will work on his room and eliminate a lot of stuff in there. Then asap have a sale so we might have some spending money when we head off to Ohio next month for the convention.

I am hoping to hear from the hospital on getting Jesse scheduled for his pt and maybe someday mine will kick in and then we can add that to our daily list of things to do. At least it will get us up and moving in the morning.

I need to get on his therapy myself and make it a priority. As much as he doesn't like it he will have to just get used to it. And I'll let him help me as much as possible when I do some for me.

Letting my hair grow out again. Am I nuts? Maybe, but I am only going to aim for a bob or something short and off he neck to start with then see if I want to venture out a little longer. Just have to get the over the ears out of the way and growing. With only going neck length, I am hoping that it will help me to feel a little better about myself.

Better get rested up so I can go up and pick Jesse up later tonight.

What Matters Most

What matters most to me.

Gods never ending grace. His love. His kindness. His mercy.
He will never leave me nor forsake me. No matter how far I run from Him He will always be there when I come back with open arms to take me in and wipe the dust off and say
"child, welcome home. I have missed you."
He loves me, warts and all. Isn't that the most amazing thing in the world.

Jesse and his pure love of life. His innocence and imagination. The way he sees the world for the first time and shows me his world thru his eyes. Forgetting myself and what i know but letting myself be absorbed in his world. The way he thinks of every detail right down to the smallest of things. Sometimes I miss when he was little and just discovering hhis true passions. He does love to sing and the way he loved the Gaithers. That was the one thing he and I had together. And when he lost that, I lost part of me. But he is back to loving some of my music and more of his dads. I am trying to respect that, even when I don't agree with some of the songs he knows the words to.

Brian has been an absolute doll. He is so uplifting and loving to Jesse and I. I found out some things about him tonight that I hadn't known. He is thinking of our future as much as I. But hearing him talk about possibly looking into going to school at Purdue for a masters degree floored me. We hadn't talked about who might make the move to make this work and so I was shocked. He is so loving and caring. Handsome and kind. His goal is to be sure that I smile all the time and do not feel any pain like I had in the past. He is trying to erase that part of my life. I pray that some time I can forget the past and or know how to get past the hurt from it. I know he loves me and Shrek. His Fiona loves Ogre with all her heart. There is no one else for her. His touch, his voice, his love. I long for the day that he and I can be together to do gardening together, to cook in the kitchen or watch he and Jesse cooking dinner while I prepare the table. A true house filled with love.

My own life. I have so many things going for me that sometimes I forget to see the spendor in the small things. A roof over our heads, air conditioning and heat, food on our table. God has blessed us with much. I have to remember that I can walk, talk, love, smile, and sing. The voice I have to sing with is a blessing whether it is only heard here in the house or in front of the church. God knows my heart and where it is i should be. I have to trust in Him to help me find my way.

Sunshine and warm days, beautiful flowers, sunrise and sunsets, babies and aged, grandma, puppies, the very air I breath.